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Something happened here

Something bad happened here. And I don’t know how to move on from it, or even how to go back. I’m stuck here, entrapped inside a concrete block, a hollow space in my mind. But the bricks are pressing down on me and it’s pressuring me to move. But I don’t know where to. Dazed and confused I pause and pause yet never do, so lost in pain and hurt at the act of it all. Why does this hurt so badly? Sometimes you feel your life is falling apart and you wonder if you’re in that sweet spot when everything is actually falling into place. That the universe is changing your course and pushing you in a different direction. But I don’t know this route. I don’t know its name or its hour, I don’t know the road or its destination. All I think that I know is it saying not here, not anymore. And I find myself dying at the morbid aches that have taken up space in my mind, as the blood sits and clots and messes with the part of me that thinks of it. I hate this space. Yet dread that it’s not the worst of it. Something bad happened here. And no it wasn’t the arguments, or the hurtful comments, the stares and the sneers, there was something inside of me, a child maybe, that came out and said I’m still here and you have to deal with me. And sometimes I miss her and wish that I am her but I know she’s not built for this so I stand between two people and think who do I choose to be, the child who’s buried beneath or the one I sacrificed her for, this me.

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2 thoughts on “Something happened here Leave a comment

  1. Miss you!
    The first thing I thought- oh I know that feels!!
    The one thing I can say, retreat into your heart. Be patient & kind with yourself.
    Let the pain wash over you. It is part of healing
    Find a tiny space of joy inside you.
    Not matter what that is, make space for it. Indulge in it a little
    See what grows from the ruins of you
    We are all phoenixes. Meant to be sometimes be binary down, so we can raise firm the ashes, stronger and hopefully wiser and even a little better version of us
    We all have more than one facette. Don’t chose. Be. Be truly you.
    You are wonderful, unique and amazing, with all your faults and flaws!


  2. Deniz ! ❤

    Your comment is so beautifully put I didn't know what to say when I first read it. Evidently, I still don't. I wrote this blog post a few months ago when I was going through a hard time but now that I am back on my blog I wanted to post it anyway. Thankfully, I am no longer in that space (or at least so I think) but your words ring true no matter what situation I am in.

    "Don't choose" – I like that.

    Hope you are doing well


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